just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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