I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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