i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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