I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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