worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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