Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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