your parents love me but you hate me
I accidentally had phone sex last night
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
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It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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