I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
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I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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