Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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