Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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