im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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