I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
