And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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