i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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