A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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