Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
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Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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