This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
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Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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