go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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