Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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