went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
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It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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