I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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