Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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