I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize