yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
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Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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