I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize