Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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