i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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