Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
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Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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