Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize