Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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