Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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