oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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