It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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