Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sorry about my life...
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