I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
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In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
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I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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