I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
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Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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