Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am available for nakedness
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize