Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
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All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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