just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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