Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
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I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
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The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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