It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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