I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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