I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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