I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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