The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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