i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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