Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
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I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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