Welp...herpes.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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