Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize