I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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